Adopters Remorse

I think I will create a new phrase "Adopters Remorse".   Somewhat like buyers remorse but not really!  If you have adopted you likely understand this before I explain.  If you have adopted and don't have a clue then consider yourself blessed.

Adopters Remorse is that point,  usually post gotya day where you think "My God what have we done?  Have we screwed up our family?  Have we messed up this child?  Would he or she have been better off back there?"

These thoughts can be prompted by many things including:
     1 failure to bond with one or both parents
     2 watching your child struggle to fit in with the new family
     3 the loss of the previous normal in your family
     4 watching your child morn the loss of their formal normal life
     5 watching your child endure endless medical procedures and issues
     6 the realization that adoption is really difficult and is not for the faint of heart
     7 an entire array of other things that could drive these thoughts

I will be the first to admit that I have suffered from this condition a few times.   I have wondered what on earth have we done, how did we get here, how are we going to survive this, will this child ever love me and bond with me.  Would he have been better off at the orphanage.    And on a really bad day you have that quickly passing thought of  "could we just ship them back".   OK before you flip out I would never do that and I do not approve of this option.

If you have adopted you have likely gone through some of these emotions.   Adoption is hard.   Normal may take a long time to reestablish.     Normal may never return but you eventually establish a "New Normal".

It is hard to watch a child try to adjust.  In our case with international adoption we have watched them try to learn a new language, learn to like new food, try to understand what has happened in their life.   I am sure they wonder how long this new deal will last, where will they take me next.  Why can't I just go back to my friends in the orphanage.   But it is our job to help them navigate through this.  No it is not easy and most days it is very frustrating.  But eventually you get through it and the new normal is likely better than the old normal.  

We have been through this process 5 times and each has been different.  Our first 2 were relatively easy and the girls adjusted fairly quickly.   Number 3 had many challenges, in part due to her age when she came to us, very complicated medical conditions and trust issues.    Shaun was very difficult for about a year.  He came to us the week of his second birthday and spent most of the next year mad at the world.   He was angry and destructive.  He did not want to speak, cooperate or fit into our idea of normal. But eventually the new normal kicked in and it is not bad.

But then enter Joshua.  Very picky eater, wants little to do with daddy, prefers mommy or Shiyan.  Due to his hearing condition communication is difficult most days (but this will get better).  He whines and cries a lot.  He can throw a fit over the strangest things.   His arrival has created new challenges with Shaun.    Being very transparent any sense of normal is gone at least for now.   So in recent weeks I have struggled with Adopters Remorse. 

Will we survive this?  Yes.  
Will a new normal get established?  Yes!  
Will things get better?  Yes!! 
Is it hard right now?  You bet it is!
Is it worth it?   Absolutely!

So if you have adopted then maybe you can identify with these sentiments.  If you have not adopted then this may not resonate with you.   If you are considering adopting then you should be aware that this can happen and should be prepared to deal with it.

At the end of the day the big question for me is;  Do you regret adopting?   The answer is no regrets, we would do it all over again.  We love each of our children and are thankful that we were chosen by God to go adopt them into our family.

Bottom line:  NO REGRETS!  Take it one day at a time and wait for the New Normal to arrive.